i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
