do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
