You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
