I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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