I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
don't judge my taste in strippers
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize