Michael Bay diarrhea
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
