I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
