When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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