so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
There was a lot of him and a little penis
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize