Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Randomize
