Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Houston, we have a squirter
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
