I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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