Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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