Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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