My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
