So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
