thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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