You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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