I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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