textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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