I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
