Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
He felt like a one man threesome
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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