we're chasing vodka with high fives
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Randomize
