Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
