I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
