never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
