I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
