My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize