I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
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