Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Randomize
