the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
It's blow job season.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
