cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Randomize
