I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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