Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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