it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
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