I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
