Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
