Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Randomize
