Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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