I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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