Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
We have so much sex to catch up on
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
