Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
