im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I will be naked everywhere
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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