there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
