the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
