so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize