I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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