I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
