I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Damn victory sex feels great
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
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