are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
