I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
