You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Randomize
