Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
