the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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