3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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