It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize