Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
