A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Randomize