can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
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