I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
