This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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