you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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