You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
My ass is underappreciated
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
