DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
