Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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