it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
