i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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