I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
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