Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
