He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
