My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
