I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
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