.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
