I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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