I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
