He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize