my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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