at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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